I Know
by damngiiirl
Summary: Jane knows that he has a lot of explaining to do, he just doesn't know where to start.


_AN: I'm new to the Jisbon fandom and so I'm really nervous to write this! This is literally just a totally random idea that has been floating in my head for days and I just had to get it out! I have a really crappy writing processor right now so this is filled with errors but I hope that you guys can enjoy anyway! I'd love reviews! If this one does well I was thinking about doing a multi-chapter fic based a little bit on this idea. Let me know!_

Patrick Jane sits on his couch in the bullpen staring mindlessly at the pale yellow teacup in front of him. Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt have long since left the building but not before each sending him their own signature glare. Cho's glare is stony and direct, letting Jane know that he has hurt the person that he looks up to most and it will be a long time until things are okay again. Rigsby's glare is a mixture between angry and confused, he doesn't really know what to be more angry about, the fact that Jane devastated his saintly boss or that he has yet to try to fix his mistakes. Van Pelt's glare is a mixture of all of the above sprinkled with a hint of empathy, she can see that Jane is hurting too, but it does little to quell her anger.

The light in Lisbon's office is still on, but she isn't working, he hasn't heard her keyboard or the scratch of her pen in a little over twenty minutes and had heard the soft patter of feet on the floor. He can tell that she is standing by the window in her office and every few minutes he hears her deep exhalation. Being as vigilant as he is, Jane has noticed that a few things have changed since his return three weeks ago, besides the obvious distaste that everyone has for him. Lisbon takes her shoes off after the sun sets, the sooner she takes them off, the harder her day has been. Her eyes are a little darker green than he remembers, she drinks a lot less coffee and a lot more green tea, and she now attends three yoga classes a week as opposed to once a week (if she could fit it into her busy schedule). Jane realizes that Lisbon is trying to take better care of herself, she isn't hiding it, but the one thing she does try to hide is her sadness. Every night for the past three weeks he has sat in this very spot, listening to her deep breaths as she tries to keep her emotions under control. He stepped into her office once last week after hearing her continuous deep breathing (thinking that she was under unbearable stress and that he would somehow make it better), not bothering to knock assuming he knew exactly what he would see on the other side of the door. He was wrong. What he expected was to see his little boss woman with her head buried in paperwork, instead what he saw was her eyes filled with tears and her lower lip hinting at a tremble. Jane was stunned of course, he had only seen her cry once previous, and knowing instantly that this was his fault broke his barely beating heart. But being Teresa strongest-woman-in-the-world Lisbon, her eyes turned from wet and sad to icy and angry within a second, and he wished he could have said something but instead he backed out of the room and didn't look at her for three days.

Seeing her cry this time was different, not only because he knew that she was crying over his betrayal to herself and the team, but because it was not how Jane had spent the many nights he was away thinking about her. When Jane left for Vegas, he only brought a few necessary things with him, one of them being a picture of Lisbon. It was taken during an office Christmas party, Lisbon had shown up in a short (but appropriately so) red dress with her black hair slightly curled and make up light but stunning, when she had stepped into the room and all eyes were on her she blushed deeply. Jane had never seen her in such a feminine position, and he adored the look greatly. After a glass and a half of champagne, Jane finally got Lisbon to take a rather silly picture. Her arms were together and her hands were clasped, while her pointer and thumb were raised making her hands into guns, she was trying hard to look like a serious spy, but right before the shutter clicked she burst into a delightful laugh. Jane looked at the picture at several times a day, even more during the more lonely days. He always wanted to remember that Lisbon, the one he had fallen so helplessly in love with. He didn't want to think about how she was feeling, because he knew that she was in pain, and he knew that she may never love him the way he loved her after he had left. Seeing her tears had just reminded him that she wasn't the same happy woman as when she was before he left.

Sighing, he stood, stretching his long legs and heading to the small kitchen to discard his tea. He knew that he had to make things right but didn't know where to start. The beggining he figured, tell her that he missed her, loved her, and that Lorelai was a huge mistake. Good, that seemed to be the right direction. Placing his hand onto the cool handle, the mentalist hesitated. The reason he has waited so long to work things out was because he was afraid that the things he had done were unforgiveable and that Lisbon would finally, after all the shit he had made her go through, put an end to their friendship and relationship (before it had even started). Clearing his mind of negativity, he finally turned the knob and walked quietly into her office. As he suspected, she was gazing out of her large office window and upon the twinkling lights of Sacramento.

"Lisbon..." He started but she cut him off.

"You know, the first week I could understand, we finally had a link to Red John. You are a man obsessed, so of course you would put off talking about us, about _this_, until a little later. As much as I needed your comfort, I waited, and then a second week passed, and I started to think that you were in love with Lorelai. I did something that I don't let myself do, I felt a little sorry for myself." Lisbon snorted and turned to look at him.

"I sat here for six months hoping, begging, _praying _that the next body we found wasn't yours. I searched for you like a puppy looking for its owner, I pulled all the favors that I had in a lot of different departments so that they would help me look for you. I wouldn't have come after you if we had found you and you were okay, honestly, I wouldn't have. But this sick part of me needed to know that you were okay even though it felt like I didn't mean shit to you. The third week, this whole week, has been the worst."

"Why?" He throat felt like raw and his voice was a bit pathetic. Lisbon threw her hands up in exasperation.

"Oh look, he doesn't know _everything, _what a surprise!" She laughed mirthlessly. He opened his mouth to speak but she shushed him by shaking her head.

"It was the hardest because I realized that you do care about me, about the team too, and you left anyway. You let me believe that you could be dead in a ditch somewhere even though you care about me. You hurt me even though you care about me. How sad is that?" The sadness that she had been trying so fiercely to conceal was now evident in the crack of her voice and the way the moisture in her eyes reflected the light making her eyes look like glittering gems. This was not going the way Jane had thought it would go, she seemed more sad than angry and for whatever reason, that just isn't the way that this was suppose to go. His legs carried him to her in just a few long steps, his hands cradling her face, his forehead resting lightly on hers.

"I love you, I do." he wispered softly. Lisbon's tears flowed faster now and she shook her head again. Her eyelids closed and she let out a sob from deep in her chest.

"How could you have left me? How could you fuck her? How does any of this equal love to you Patrick?" She stepped out of his meager embrace, and he missed the softness of her skin instantly. Jane rubbed a weary hand over his face and looked at her. She standed a foot away from him with her arms hugging herself, looking at him expectantly with salty tear falling onto her white shirt.

"I thought about you while I was with her. And as soon as it was done I took a long hot shower and tried to rub the filth that I felt off of my body. By doing what I did I didn't just hurt you Teresa, I hurt myself, and I hurt us. The next day I knew I had to see you, so I came back and I followed you for a little while, I can't tell you how long I just sat there and watched all the new little habits that you started to pick up. You used to hate advacadoes, and yet I watched you a whole sandwhich that was covered in the stuff. It hurt my whole soul to know that even little things had changed and that I might never get back into your good graces and know why they had changed. I saw you and knew that the game had to end, I needed to come home, to you. I love you and I'll do anything to prove it to you." The weight in his chest was slightly less after his small speech.

He moved forward slightly and she met him halfway, they leaned in for a gentle kiss. A kiss filled with promises, apologies, and adoration for each other. Pulling away, Lisbon stroked his faces with the back of her fingers.

"You have a lot of making up to do and it's going to take me a while to trust you." He had to smile a bit at that.

"I know."

"No more secrets, no more running away."

"I know."

"I love you too."

"I know."

_Fin_

_AN: Thanks so much for reading!_


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